Relationships shouldn’t be that hard…?

In our last post, we got swept away in the bliss of the Romance Stage, and then we got disillusioned by the relative let down of the Conflict Stage; but let us not be discouraged by this feeling.

While it is true that we are initially attracted and drawn to the Light emanating from our new potential  mates, and that this is the Truth of who they are; there is another force at work in that attraction. 

One that is much less obvious, and one that would seem to be very illogical at first glance.  A force that is less connected to our more spiritual Essence Self, and instead related to our very human Ego Self; the part of us that is imperfect, wounded, and longing for a place of healing.

Think back on any of the adult relationships that you have had and notice any themes that stand out.   Do you seem to be attracted to certain kinds of people, who after a while start reminding you of other significant people in your life; most notably, one or both of your parents while you were growing up?  Could be a sibling, or a grandparent, aunt or uncle too, depending on how prevalent their presence was in your young life.

This is not a coincidence; that we wind up falling for people who have both the best and worst qualities of our significant care-givers as children.

While it makes sense that we are drawn to qualities that we liked in our parents; why on earth would we also be drawn to the negative aspects of our early relationships; the dynamics that stimulated our Core Ego Beliefs to begin with?

The easy answer:  They are familiar.  The energy of these dynamics feels like “Home.”  There is a certain comfort level that exists when we are near a person whose Stories resonate with the same frequency…remember, like attracts like, whether it is Essence or Ego energy.

The more expanded answer:  There is a higher purpose for this attraction to those who seem destined to hurt us in the same way we were hurt as children.  Somehow, our unconscious Child Self is looking not just for the “comfort” of familiarity, but also a way to finally work through and heal the wounds of our past.

This is the beauty of moving into the next phase of Relationship Development, the Conscious Relationship Stage, where we have the opportunity to recognize the potential to heal ourselves, and to help our beloved heal, too.

Of course, if we are not aware of the phases of Relationship Development, we may be tempted to believe the Ego Stories that arise when we move into the Conflict Stage.  Remember these?

“You are not who I thought you were,”

“You were pretending to be someone your aren’t and lying to me all along,”

“I was fooled; how could I be so blind,”

“This feeling of love can never last,”

If we believe this premise, “The Light of Love can only last so long, and then we must all resign ourselves to conflicted, uncertain, unstable, bland, and unfulfilling relationships, in order to have the ‘safety and security’ of a partner who ‘will never leave us,’” we could easily become discouraged and miss the chance to dig deeper into our own healing and growth.

With awareness, however, comes the possibility to hold each other’s hands, center into our Adult Selves, look for the Essence in ourselves and our partners, remember our imperfections with compassion, and then ride the waves of discomfort, and land on the shores of healing together.

Yes, it takes effort to stick with the pain of sorting through Old Stories; it is hard enough to do when it is only your own Story, but when there are two of you, the effort will need to be compounded. 

I heard someone say recently, “I know that relationships take effort, but they shouldn’t be that much work…”

I say, everything is relative. 

There is no objective “should” or “shouldn’t.” 

Only you can determine how hard you want to work; only you can determine if your efforts are being matched by a willing partner.  Sometimes, the effort needed will feel enormous.  If so, ask yourself, is this because the Story you are attempting to extricate yourself from is deep-rooted and pervasive; or is it because you keep repeating the same action over and over with a partner who is either unwilling or unable to meet you in the attempt?  Both of these things will cause pain; it behooves us to ask ourselves however, is it the Pain of Growth or the Pain indicating a need for Change?

For today, let us simply focus on the potential for growth, connection and deeper intimacy as we take our partner’s hand and step into the healing grounds.

Remember Who You Are.

Remember Who They Are.

Express your True Essence Self.

Look for the Light in your partner.

Invite them into Love.

Take these steps.  Be curious.  Watch what happens.

“Hold my hand as we walk through the fire; we may get burned, but the flames will transform our love into gold.”  Unknown

Remember:

I am brilliant;

I am magnificent;

I am a being of Love and Light.

I am here to bring my Essence Self to every experience of my Life.

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Coming soon –  Relationship Bootcamp: 12 Weeks to a More Essence-Centered Life.

Comments

  1. Lana Kentner says:

    Very true.