Good morning Attached Friend.
Whether you are in a current intimate relationship, have been in one in the past, or anticipate being in one at some point in the future, it is likely that you have considered some of the following questions…
Why is it I seem to be the one in the relationship who wants more closeness?
How is it that I am usually the one in the relationship who tends to need more space?
Part of me longs for connection, so why do I find myself withdrawing or shutting down when intimacy feels close at hand?
Did you know that there actually are different distinct ways that people intimately connect with others?
Most of us probably have some intuitive awareness (even without knowing the enormous amount of research done on human attachment), that human beings are hard-wired for connection. As infants we rely on it for survival. If there is no human connection, a baby’s survival is at risk; both on a physical and an emotional level…
Secure: “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or others not accepting me.”
Anxious: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.”
Avoidant-Fearful: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”
Avoidant-Dismissive: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient. I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”
It is likely that all of us would like to consider ourselves Secure. Honestly, many of us are Secure, that is, we are when our Ego Stories are not activated! But when we are referring to Attachment Styles, we really are talking about what happens to us when the Stories do get activated.
So when I am feeling insecure and vulnerable, do I move toward my partner to make contact for comfort and clarity?
Or do I step away for breathing room and find clarity on my own first?
And if I do back up to be on my own, do I return to a desire to reconnect,
…or do I sever the connection to continue to avoid more pain?
Today, let us consider that none of these Styles are wrong or bad or any worse than any of the others, but rather be curious about where we land on the spectrum of Attachment Styles when we get triggered and our Younger Selves get in the driver’s seat…
Curious? More to follow…
“Put down the flashlight, pick up the mirror.”
~ Gay Hendricks
I am brilliant;
I am magnificent;
I am a being of Love and Light.
I am here to bring my Essence Self to every experience of my Life.
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