5 Losing Strategies Keeping Your Relationship Stuck.
When people come to see me, they usually know that they want things to change in their lives.
I know what(who!) needs to change:
My partner.
My parents.
My siblings.
My kids.
My boss.
My co-workers.
My neighbors.
The world out there…
Ha! I gently wish them good luck with that!
However, if you are reading this, I am sure you know the only thing you have any real power over changing is you.
The challenge is that most of us have been living with our Protector driving the car for so long, we don’t realize that some of the ways we try to navigate out of (or around) conflict, are actually things that absolutely will not only make matters worse, but will keep you stuck in old and tired patterns indefinitely.
Sometimes these approaches are even conscious decisions in our minds, but our Protector has us convinced that these methods are the best ways to react.
Ever have these thoughts:
This is how my parents did it…
This the exact opposite of how my parents did it…
This is how I learned to be a good wife, or an independent woman…
This is how I learned to be a manly man, or a sensitive husband…
This is how to keep the peace…
This is how to feel powerful…
This is the behavior I see on the news. On TikTok. On Instagram. On Facebook…
…so it must be right.
The world we currently live in reinforces that we should make sure to never allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Our friend, Terry Real calls the methods we use to avoid feeling small, The 5 Losing Strategies.
THE 5 LOSING STRATEGIES:
1.Being Right.
That’s not what I said.
Yes, you did.
No I didn’t.
YES!
NO!
Do you even remember what you are trying to talk about?
How often are you listening to understand, or rather are you listening to respond?
How often do you find yourself arguing about an objective reality when in truth, when it comes to humans, we live in subjective perception 100% of the time.
Can you let go of being right and listen to what is underneath the words?
2.Controlling Your Partner.
This can be done overtly through dominance and aggression.
Generally speaking this is often how men in our culture learn to avoid being vulnerable. At the extreme, this can become physical, sexual, financial abuse…
Generally speaking, women on the other hand, learn to control with micro-managing and manipulation. At the extreme, this can become codependency and love addiction.
3.Unbridled Self Expression.
Just let me tell you all the horrible things that I am thinking about you right now. Let me describe to you all the stories that my Protector is telling me about why you did what you did and how you are never here for me…
It is not bad advice to express our feelings, except that sometimes the pendulum swings so far over that we wind up toxically venting all over those we are trying to connect with.
Ah I feel better now. Well you may feel better, but I feel vomitted on.
In actuality, just because you have a feeling or a thought, it is not always best to express it.
This is where the skill of discernment comes in handy…
4.Retaliation.
I am going to punish you and hurt you as badly as you hurt me.
Underneath this really is a plea for you to understand how deep the cut really is.
I want you to know how I feel because of what you did or said…
Building Wise Adult muscles will help you express kindly and directly so you don’t have to hurt anyone in order to feel better…
5.Withdrawal.
Silence. Distance. Stonewalling. Denial. Frozen. Dumbstruck. Paralyzed.
You can be sitting right next to each other with a wall of ice between the two of you.
What’s wrong honey? Nothing. I’m fine.
Withdrawal can happen in many ways and for many reasons. But remember, it’s always to protect against feeling vulnerable.
All of these Losing Strategies keep you feeling righteous and believing you are in control.
And if you are looking just to maintain an illusion of control, go ahead, keep using them.
On the other hand, if you want true Relationality, the kind of loving partnership where you have a deep commitment to really know yourselves and each other, where you can consciously choose to put energy and effort into your connection together, helping each other to heal, grow, and flourish. Even if that means at some point you may understand that the nature of the relationship needs to change in order for you both to thrive and be healthy…
If so…You must to learn Winning Strategies.
If you keep doing what you have been doing, you are going to keep getting what you have been getting.
Take a moment right now and reflect:
On a Bad Day, in a Bad Moment, when I am most triggered, what is my prominent Losing Strategy?
Knowing where you land on the Losing Strategy list in times of conflict, will give you a great place to start when you begin your journey into the Relational relationship you want to have.
Let me know what your Prominent LS is.
Always and with much love,
Carol
P.S. Ask about my new monthly Conscious Conversations video series.
