Are you a Changer or an Acceptor?
I recently listened to an interview with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a popular relationship therapist, author, teacher, and speaker who uses these terms to describe relationship roles that you might relate to.
Although this is not new information, I always find it helpful to be reminded of the patterns that can often keep us stuck in judgment and resistance, and consequently, conflict.
Can you relate to either of the following?
Changer:
Do you find yourself always being curious about why you or your partner said something or acted a certain way?
Are you the one in your relationship asking the questions, seeking more information, wanting to understand?
Acceptor:
Or rather, do you find yourself pretty steady and assuming that all is well between the two of you?
Are you the one who finds it easy to just go with the flow, gathering information simply as you go along, without concern for anything that doesn’t loudly jump out at you?
I am sure you won’t be surprised to know that often these two types of people attract one another!
And I am also sure that you can see how both of these styles can bump up against the other:
My curious questions feel like an interrogation to you.
Your ease throughout the day makes me feel like I’m the only one paying attention.
My desire to understand and know you better leaves you feeling critiqued and judged.
You ability to overlook the small stuff, gives me a fear that I am all alone in carrying it all.
Can you see how, if fueled by fear, both roles can activate the vulnerability of the other?
If left to its own devices, your protective ego will attempt to blame your partner for “making” you feel so “unsafe.”
However, remember the steps:
1. Breathe (deep belly breath in; extended exhale through the mouth);
2. Ground and center yourself with kindness;
3. Remember your goal is connection;
4. Look for your partner's heart (you know where it is);
5. Invite them to see yours, with compassion.
If you can reorient yourself in this way, you will discover that this relational combination is actually one that is beautifully designed to balance, heal, and grow you both.
Always,
Carol
*Disclaimer: If there is physical violence, active addiction of any kind, active infidelity, and/or untreated mental illness, these conditions must be addressed before deeper connection is possible.
