Don’t Let Your Friend’s Protector Drive.
Your family and friends care about you. They love you and want you to be happy.
If I asked them how they feel about you, I am certain that is a version of what they might say.
That is, if I caught them on a good day, and in moment when they were aligned with their own Wise Adult selves.
The trouble is, most folks have no idea what that means, or even what it feels like in their bodies when a more reactive, fear-based aspect of themselves shows up.
They may not know how differentiate between the Parts of themselves, believing that everything they think and feel is always the Truth rather than a Story.
And if you go to them for support when you are not aligned with your Wise Adult, your adaptive Protector part is going to invite their Protector to join the Reactivity Party.
Think about a time when you were feeling vulnerable about your relationship, or conflicted in any area of your life, and you opened up a conversation in order to get some support from a friend or family member.
Have you heard things like:
He betrayed you; you should leave.
You’re going to have to deal with it; that is how women/men are.
A person shouldn’t tolerate being so disrespected by their partner.
Your spouse should know what you need without you having to ask, after all these years.
Your mate is supposed to be responsible for the kids while you are working so hard to financially support them all.
It’s ok to be secretive since you know how reactive your partner will get.
You don’t have to ask for permission, just do what you want to do.
They are being so selfish, you have a right to put yourself first.
At first glance, you may feel empowered when your support person says any one of those things.
You may feel connected.
You may feel understood.
You may feel heard.
You may feel strong.
You may feel hopeful.
Yet, it would do you well to take a breath and pay attention to your own body, your own energy, your actual experience.
Ask yourself:
Are you feeling morally one-up?
Is the connection you feel with your support person causing you to see your partner as the outsider?
Is the strength that you feel allowing you to take care of yourself so you can bring your concerns to your partner, or is it urging you to hurt them like they hurt you ?
Is your optimism based on how you might find some kind of resolution with your partner, or is it based on feeling relieved of the pain of conflict?
Remember, lots of loving and well-intentioned folks don’t realize that their Protectors, not their Wise Adults, are actually driving their cars.
In fact, many loving and well-intentioned folks are being driven around by their Protectors all the while believing that they really are grown-ups.
Our current culture reinforces and rewards all the adaptive behaviors of Protectors:
Polarization.
Self-sufficiency.
Indignation.
Contempt.
Self-protection.
Blame.
Separate-ness.
Finger Pointing.
How many grown people do you see around you who model these types of behaviors?
But none of these reactions will get you the kind of relational connection you are likely longing for if you are reading this post.
To be clear, I am not recommending that you stop seeking support from your friends and loved ones!
What I am suggesting is that, as always, pay attention to which part of you is starting the conversation.
If you are aligned with your Wise Adult, you will feel if/when your support person drifts out of their own alignment and starts to veer both your cars off the road.
Feeling yourself getting riled up together against a common enemy (in this case, your partner) is a great indicator that your Protectors have locked both of your Wise Adults in the trunk so they can drive off and have their Reactivity Party!
So much fun, right?
Until it’s not anymore.
Until you realize you still feel pretty miserable, and your pain is still there.
Perhaps that’s when you remember that your partner (or anyone you are having trouble with) is a human being who is also struggling, who is also doing the best they can, who is also being driven around by their Protector.
Maybe you and your friends can throw a different kind of party?
A Wake Up Party?
A Love and Connection Party?
A Relational Party?
A Wise Adult Party?
Way more fun.
Guaranteed.
Much love,
Carol
P.S. Have you done relationship work with me, or any therapist for that matter, yet find that a 50 minute session once a week doesn’t quite cut it for the kinds of changes you want to see?
If so, you may be interested to know that I am putting together a Relationship Intensive that can give you 3 months of couples counseling in 2 days.
This may be for you if you:
Are ready to take responsibility for your part in what’s not working in the relationship;
Desire deep and true change;
Want to gain relationship skills you never learned, and turn conflict into connection;
Can fully commit to 2 1/2 days (15 hours);
Are willing to financially invest in the health your relationship.
You won’t just learn the tools and skills needed for a healthy relational relationship, you will learn how to overcome the parts of you that resists using them.
If you are interested in participating as I create the program, let me know.
Disclaimer: If there is physical violence, active addiction of any kind, active infidelity, and/or untreated mental illness, these conditions must be addressed before deeper connection is possible.
