Don’t Let Your Protector/AC Drive…
You know that feeling when you are SO sure that your partner/friend/coworker/family member has wronged you?
You know that feeling of relief when you can blame them for their obvious defects which have caused you such suffering?
You know that feeling when it suddenly is crystal clear why you are so out of sorts?
Isn’t it obvious?
It’s your partner, your friend, your mother, your kid. Whatever it is they are doing or saying is causing so much pain, you can’t find relief from the discomfort.
Always scanning our environment for signs of danger, our Protector/AC part seeks something to blame, someone who is the cause. This is brilliant! If there is something at fault, I can stop it, change it, fix it; and then I will feel less uncomfortable. My suffering will end.
This is a great skill when there really is an external situation that needs to change.
An exploitive employer, a physically abusive partner, a financial crisis, etc.
When this skill is aligned with your present day reality, it tells you that you need to put your oxygen mask on and take care of yourself. It helps you to create boundaries and maintain them. It may even help you deal with the boss, end the relationship, or sell the home.
However, there are also times when the part of you that is scanning the environment to find something to blame, is actually being triggered by an inner feeling of danger coming from the past, rather than from an actual lack of safety in the present.*
For instance, if I am feeling particularly vulnerable, and my partner is in their own world unable to attune to my struggles (for whatever reason), my Protector/AC can convince me that I am once again all alone, unsafe, no one protecting me, or even aware that I am in emotional turmoil. Yes, right back to my childhood.
My brain doesn’t know the difference between actual and perceived danger.
So my nervous system goes into survival mode.
For me, when I feel vulnerable and in danger, I go into Fight mode.
Since my Protector/AC believes I am unsafe, as a Changer type, my reaction may look like anger or resentment, and it may also look like analyzing, questioning, intellectualizing, or some other way of convincing myself I am safe because I have all the information I need to figure things out on my own!
For you, your reaction to feeling vulnerable and in danger may be to Flee, Freeze, or Fawn.
Your Protector/AC has also convinced you that you are unsafe. As an Acceptor type, you may react by withdrawing, shutting down, or acquiescing. Keeping yourself away from the danger is safety!
To be sure, these skills saved us when we actually were dependent, powerless, small, vulnerable children.
Thank you Protector!
However, we are no longer powerless, vulnerable children. And these reactions can sabotage the Adult Relationships we all desire.
So how do we know the difference between real and perceived danger when it often feels exactly the same???
GREAT question!
You listen to your body.*
If:
Your body is screaming at you to Fight, Flee, Freeze, or Fawn, you know your Protector/AC is in the driver’s seat.
Your chest is tight and you can’t breathe, your AC is driving.
You can’t think straight, you know who is steering the ship.
STOP! This is not the time to take action!*
Don’t send that email to your coworker who you believe stole your idea;
Don’t berate, judge, or criticize your kid for being lazy or petulant;
Don’t interrogate or analyze your loved one who didn’t understand what you wanted.
INSTEAD:
If you have any connection at all to your Wise Adult, the part of you who can actually rise above and observe that your nervous system is activated, take a breath, and let that Wise Adult you give your younger parts permission to discharge the energy that needs to be released…
Be gentle with the terrified younger parts of you. Never berate or judge these parts of you; they saved you, and they don’t realize that your Wise Adult self is now learning to be in the driver’s seat, and keep all your parts safe…
THEN:
Use all your tools to help regulate your nervous system.
Go for a walk or a run;
Punch a pillow;
Dance;
Sing;
Yoga;
Somatic exercises;
Nature;
Breathwork;
Guided imagery and body scan meditations;
Gentle music;
Warm baths;
Prayer;
Journaling;
Talk to a trusted friend, relative, therapist, coach, spiritual advisor!
Once you’ve discharged some of that trauma energy, your nervous system will settle down, your prefrontal cortex will get back online.
Then, your body will slow down, your breath will find its natural rhythm, and your mind will be clearer about your next course of action.
From here, you can decide if and how you want to have a productive conversation with your co-worker.
From here, you can decide when and how to meet your kid where they’re at to have a loving and age-appropriate discussion with them.
From here, you can decide if and how you want to continue to kindly engage with your partner.
Remember, there is not a human among us who is not doing the best they can with the consciousness they have.
If they are acting terribly, it’s because they have lost their connection to their Higher Consciousness and so are not making decisions from their Wise Adult, but rather from that well-intentioned, but misinformed Protector/AC.
Invite them to join your Wise Adult in connection.*
Of course, if you are reading this post, you understand that it is in the best interest of us all to nurture this connection to our Higher Selves, and make all of our choices, conscious ones.
*IMPORTANT: If there is physical violence, active addiction of any kind, active infidelity, and/or untreated mental illness, these conditions must be addressed before deeper connection is possible.
