It’s Always Both/And…
I’ve been using the terms Changer and Acceptor as an expansion of the terms, Change Partner and Acceptance Partner coined by Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a teacher, author, speaker, retreat leader, and like me, a relationship therapist, and passionate believer in the life-changing power of love!
In her podcast, Reimagining Love: The Effort Mismatch, she describes beautifully how important it is to embrace both styles, how we benefit from doing so, and how each of us can stretch, grow, and connect with our loved ones when we do…
As a Changer type, I see everything. I can’t not see.
I learned early in my life that the safest way to get through difficult times was to gather as much information as possible.
With having all the details myself, I didn’t have to rely on parents who were unavailable in order to make sense of things.
If I could see what the dangers were, and do whatever I needed to do, I felt safe.
When in survival mode, I’m mostly a Fighter. When afraid, and in reactive Protector mode, I can be loud, angry, and expressive.
It is clear to me what is causing my fear, and who is the “enemy” that needs to be “destroyed.”
And all this gives me the illusion that I’m in control and have some kind of power to protect myself.
On the other hand, if you are an Acceptor type, you feel safest when you are hidden.
It makes much more sense to fly under the radar than make yourself an easy target when danger is looming.
You may have learned early on with parents who were overly critical, or verbally aggressive, or maybe downright physically abusive, that the way to survive was to be quiet and hide under the bed until the dust settled.
This is more of a Flee reaction to danger.
(More about Freeze and Fawn, the more extreme trauma reactions, another time).
When afraid and in Protector mode, you may go silent, you may withdraw, you may even have a panic attack to stop what feels like a terrifying exposure to the danger you’re attempting to escape.
This gives you the illusion of safety; the enemy can’t see you, your power lies in staying small and invisible
Most of the time, now as Adults, the dangers are not emotionally or physically life threatening.*
Most of the time, we are perceiving danger because we feel vulnerable…
I’m not good enough.
I’m too much.
I don’t matter.
I’m all alone.
In reality, when we are connected to our Wise Adult (WA) selves, those feelings may be uncomfortable, but none of them are true, and so none of them are dangerous to us now, as they actually were when we were younger.
Can you see which type you naturally lean toward?
Although we can have aspects of both, usually our instinct brings us to one side or the other.
Think about how being a Changer or Acceptor type helps you…and also how it may hinder you too. This is the dialectical Solomon talks about in her podcast.
Both realities exist at the same time.
Can you see it in your intimate relationships?
What about in your relationships with your kids, parents, friends, coworkers, and neighbors?
Maybe you can even see how these types react to what’s happening in the world right now?
It certainly may be possible that the dangers we are perceiving on the planet could actually be real ones.
Your type as a Changer or Acceptor will impact what you believe about this.
Can you reflect on how this might play out in your own life? On all levels?
I’d love to know…
