Patriarchy Doesn’t Just Hurt Women; It Hollows Men Out.
If you have been walking with me over the last couple of years, you know how enamored I have become with Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
Whether you are currently in an intimate relationship or not, RLT’s concepts are ones you can use in any circumstance with another human being. Maybe even with any other being, human or otherwise. Um, that’s a different conversation!
If you were curious, you may have explored some of Terry’s videos (see below for a few shorts). Or maybe you have read one of his books, like I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.
Or his most recent, Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. In it, he brings a unique perspective to personal relationships through the lens of how modern culture has developed in the last 50 years or so.
He uses the term Patriarchy in a very instructive way. However, I fear that since that word has become so charged recently, it may turn some of you off.
So, let’s be clear, this is not at all about bashing men. Men are not the only ones immersed in the Patriarchal system we are swimming in right now. Men, women, straight, gay, bi, fluid, non-binary, trans…none of us go unscathed within an infrastructure that feeds on fear, polarization, power and control.
Historically, Patriarchal systems have organized society through order, hierarchy, and survival. They were created to help us feel safe, protected, and somewhat certain about a sense of predictability in our lives.
Relationships themselves were chosen (sometimes even arranged) for economic stability and the structure that would come with married life. This vision gave many of us a clearer sense of what our future should look like.
We understood what our roles were.
We understood what was expected of us.
We had an idea of what kind of job we should get.
We were instructed how we should behave.
What we should look like.
How many children we should have.
Where we should live, etc.
In many ways, marriages were more practical than they were romantic.
Most people back in the 50’s were not expecting to find deep emotional partnerships. While many women may have longed for it, it was not the norm, so they (and likely some men who felt the stirrings of their own hearts) had to turn away from what was so natural: Relational Connection.
We learned that the way to survive was to fit ourselves into the roles allowed for us.
Here it was safe, stable, and secure.
As long as I fulfill the duties of my role, you will honor yours, and life will be taken care of.
Very Transactional.
It worked in some ways…during simpler times.
Notice I am not piling on men and how they have suppressed women.
This is because while there were many men in particular who did, and clearly still do, behave reprehensibly, it is the system itself that reinforces the mentality of polarization, power-over, and disconnection.
Disconnection from ourselves, each other, and the natural world that gives us Life.
Many of us, men and women alike, have become disconnected from our own Inner Wisdom, our intuition. The voice of our Wise Adult who has open access to a Higher Consciousness.
Patriarchy teaches that someone must be dominant and someone must be subordinate.
In many relationships this polarization happens between men and women; but this Patriarchal dance can show up anywhere: gay relationships, parental relationships, between folks of different cultures and socio-economic backgrounds.
In intimate relationships, this shows up as control instead of collaboration, winning instead of understanding, and power struggles instead of shared leadership.
Today, many people want lifelong romantic intimacy, but we are trying to create that inside a system that was never designed to support it.
So how does Patriarchy show up in our relationships today, and how we navigate it?
One of the things I love about RLT is that it challenges the idea of valuing Power-Over, by teaching relationalpower: the ability to stand up for yourself without dominating your partner.
Can you imagine aligning with your partner to understand one another, rather than committing to winning the argument?
Patriarchy enforces rigid rules that affect both partners in any relationship.
Men are often socialized to suppress vulnerability, avoid emotional dependence, and value competence over connection.
Women are often socialized to prioritize harmony over honesty, self-silence to maintain the relationship, and over-function emotionally.
Imagine what it would be like instead, to move toward mutuality. Both partners matter equally and power is shared.
Neither one of you are going to lose, when you honor each of your differences, each one’s talents and skills, and at the same time, prioritize the relationship as your warm, safe place to land.
This is Relationality.
True, there may be more uncertainly in this kind of living. But in a Relational relationship, you learn you are safe to turn toward one another with grace, kindness, and love.
So much better, yes?
Much love,
Carol
Listen to Terry’s Short #1:
Patriarchy doesn’t just hurt women. It hollows men out.
Listen to Terry’s Short #2:
Patriarchy teaches us a false choice: you can be powerful, or you can be loving;
you can’t be both.
