Confidence and Self Esteem.

You would think that a confident person, someone who is successful and proficient and productive in the world would also have Healthy Self Esteem, right?

Well, sometimes.  But not always.  

I have included a short 9 minute video from Terry Real that explains the difference, and why it is important to understand. (It’s worth watching; see if you can set aside the time. See below).

With Healthy Self Esteem, we hold ourselves in warm regard no matter what.  No perfection needed.

I have value and worth simply because I exist.

And this also means, no better and no worse than anyone else.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we have permission to treat others poorly without consequence.  But consequence is different than punishment.

It means we use our internal compass to recognize when we have allowed our Protector Part to react.

We allow normal healthy guilt to tap us on the shoulder and point us in another direction. This is a natural consequence.

We resist becoming self-absorbed in the torture of shame, because this is an unnecessary punishment.

Then we take responsibility for how we have strayed from our own integrity.

We are accountable for how we have stumbled and hurt another, whether intentionally or not.

We do the right thing; take the action that is aligned with our Highest Self.  

Our Wise Adult Self.

Since writing Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, Real has more fully developed an excellent tool called The Relationship Grid (which you can learn more about here).  In it he illustrates how Healthy Self Esteem is found at the intersection of how we experience Contempt and how we navigate Boundaries.

For now, let’s keep it simple and just focus on the Contempt axis of the Grid.

On one end of the Contempt scale is Grandiosity and on the other is Shame.  

Those at the Grandiosity end of the scale hold contempt for others.  These folks are often labeled Narcissists. (By the way, not all of the people at this extreme are men).

Those at the Shame end of the scale hold contempt for themselves.  These folks are often labeled Codependent. (By the way, not all of the people at this extreme are women).

That sweet spot in the middle of the two poles, is the beginning of Healthy Self Esteem.

And if you have Healthy Self Esteem, it will be easier to not judge yourself or your loved ones when you or them find yourselves leaning too far in one direction or the other.

Simply notice how the Protector Parts may be stepping to guard against some kind of vulnerability.

Allow your Wise Adult self to comfort your vulnerable Wounded Child Part.  

Be kind and gentle.  

Remember, you are human, hold yourself in warm regard, not better, not worse.  

No need for perfection.  We are Human, after all.

Watch Terry Real and Build Real Self Esteem here