Normal Marital Hatred.
Have you heard me use the term Normal Marital Hatred? If so, you know that I borrowed it from Terry Real who coined the term years ago, and uses it to describe the very natural and human internal reaction to having your partner (or really anyone you love deeply) behave in ways that push your buttons. Grrr.
To understand that this feeling is not an indication that you need to get rid of those poking at you, actually gives you an opportunity instead to use the feeling as a pointer toward the places in you that need some loving attention.
And if you have a mutual understanding that your relationship has the potential to be the soft place for each of you to land, it can also become the nurturing place where true healing, growth, and connection can occur.
Terry says, this normal marital hatred which can easily get activated during conflict, is not the end of intimacy, but instead, can be the beginning of it.
That is, if you know what to do with the painful Disharmony that inevitably comes after those periods of lovely Harmony.
When you are aware, from your Wise Adult perspective, that you have stepped into conflict, when you recognize that the rupture has occurred, consciously you can then make a choice.
Do I want to react and get sucked into the vortex of blame, shame, withdrawal, confusion, aggression, passive-aggression, defensiveness, etc. and continue to be miserable?
Or can I breathe and make a different, healthier, and more relational choice in the moment, with the chance that we might both feel more connected if so?
Just that one tiny pause has the power to change the trajectory of the interaction.
And once you have interrupted your Protector’s (or as Terry calls it, your Adaptive Child) reaction, you’ve stopped the dance. Yay you!
This skill, in an of itself, can be the reprieve your relationship needs to reorient itself.
Great first step!
Now, just because you can interrupt the pattern, doesn’t mean it won’t return next week (or in 5 minutes for that matter!).
This is why we need also to know how to Repair the damage the conflict caused.
Learning how to be relational is the key to Repairing in a way that is not only healing for each of you, but also creates a loving container for your relationship to thrive.
Being relational means that together, you prioritize the relationship itself, while you also honor each other’s personal preferences, abilities, imperfections, and at the same time, be open and willing to allow for the discomfort of adapting, compromising, and being flexible to your partner’s desires.
All in the name of Love.
Sound intriguing?
Want to know more?
Watch Terry’s video here with your partner/someone you care about, then contact me for support in real time.
And see my P.S. below for a new opportunity…
Much love, Carol
P.S. Have you done relationship work with me, or any therapist for that matter, yet find that a 50 minute session once a week doesn’t quite cut it for the kinds of changes you want to see?
If so, you may be interested to know that I am putting together a Relationship Intensive that can give you 3 months of couples counseling in 2 days.
This may be for you if you:
Are ready to take responsibility for your part in what’s not working in the relationship;
Desire deep and true change;
Want to gain relationship skills you never learned, and turn conflict into connection;
Can fully commit to 2 days (12 hours);
Are willing to financially invest in the health your relationship.
You won’t just learn the tools and skills needed for a healthy relational relationship, you will learn how to overcome the parts of you that resists using them.
If you are interested in participating as I create the program, let me know.
