Harmony. Disharmony. Repair.

Today, I want to remind you that all intimate relationships go through cycles of harmony, disharmony, and repair.

If you keep that in mind, you may have a bit more patience to ride the waves and not catastrophize the circumstances.

Sometimes though, even when we understand this, we can get stuck in a riptide of conflict and can’t seem to find our way out of it into the Repair.

Here are a few tips to help guide you. This is not about getting your partner to change whatever it is they are doing that is annoying the *bleep* out of you. I know that is what your Protector Part wants, but if you want connection, you’re going to have to stop letting that part of you drive…

Ready?

Terry Real says in the video below, Repair is not a two way street.

If you are both unhappy and have activated Protectors, there is no way either one of you have a chance of being heard and understood. So you will continue the crazy feedback loop of confusion, anger, hurt, and remain in Disharmony.

Instead, imagine that You rise up above the noise.

Imagine your Wise Adult Self has a moment of awareness and thinks, “Oh, here we are again; I don’t want to go down this familiar rabbit hole; I am going to do something different this time.”

And then you make a choice to be quiet and LISTEN.

Breathe. Regulate yourself.

Then you help them find their footing, help them regulate so they can talk to you.

Important note: It doesn’t matter what the objective truth is. It doesn’t matter that they said you “always”…(fill in the blank), when you know it only happens once in a while.

It just doesn’t matter…in this moment. This moment ripe for Repair.

Sure, there may be things that you need to sort through with them too, but can you stop and breathe for a second and wait your turn? Terry talks about allowing your own “enlightened self-interest” to be your guiding light. Now that is a Wise Adult stance!

If you want a truly connected, relational relationship, it is in your best interest to bring compassionate curiosity to your partner when they are unhappy with you.

Invite them back into relational Us space, rather than individualized You and Me space.

When your partner feels kindly listened to, heard and understood, they soften. Don’t we all?

When any of us feels compassion from another, when we feel safe to be that vulnerable, we want to move closer.

You can create safe space by truly coming from the wisdom of your Adult Self, truly connecting to your heart, not as a means to get what you want, but as a way of acknowledging your role in your partner’s pain, in other words, being vulnerable yourself.

Acknowledge how your words/actions hurt them…

Yes, even if it was completely unintentional.

Even if they totally misunderstood.

Even if you are in pain too.

Your turn will come; and if you shift into compassionate curiosity, you increase the odds that it will come sooner than later.

Your remorse for your partner’s pain is the balm for their hurt.

“I am so sorry you are hurting. I am so sorry what I did or said caused so much pain. Help me understand what that is like for you…”

Your may hear your Protector right now saying, “Yeah but…I didn’t do anything wrong…or they started it…or I am so sick of this;” or some other chatter that would pull you right back into the familiar old pattern that you are trying to change.

That’s ok. Thank that Part of you, and let it know your Adult Self is making some changes, and that it’s safe to do so.

Yes, you make a conscious choice to be guided by your Wise Adult who knows that being connected is so much better than being right!

Once your partner feels heard and understood, now is the time to ask what they would need from you to get back to Us; back to connection, back to feeling that the relationship is your foundation together.

Can you continue to rise up?

Will your Wise Adult Self be able to offer something close to what they want?

I know you can do it.

Do you?

This is what Repair looks like.

The more you practice, the easier it becomes to find your way back into Harmony again.

Until the next bump…when you will get the chance to practice again!

Much love,

Carol

PS Even if you are not currently in a partnership, you can apply these ideas to all of your relationships. Try it out…

Watch the 9 minute video here: Terry Real and Relationship Repair: How to Reconnect with your Partner: