Relational Grid: What the Heck?
Most of you know that I work with both individuals and with couples.
You may also know that as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I was trained in Family Systems, and that I value connection and relationality above all else.
These are the reasons why I never view individual clients as separate from the relationships in their lives, whether they are single, divorced, never married, or coupled for years.
Relationships are the backbone of our human existence.
Take the quiz!
Family, friends and loved ones, co-workers, colleagues, neighbors, community members, service people, technicians, grocery clerks, Uber drivers, handy-men, hair stylists…the list goes on and on.
We have relationships with all of these folks.
And guess what?
We all have internalized, and most often unconscious patterns that play out in every one of these relationships during the moments we feel triggered: lost, nervous, scared, confused, small, and/or out of control.
So on a bad day, that is, on a day when we have lost our way and have allowed our Wise Adult to take a back seat and our Protector to take the wheel…
Why does Larry lash out at the guy who cut him off?
Why does Ruth get rude to the server who forgot her fries?
Why does William withdraw and mumble a critique under his breath when his brother returns his call a week later?
Why does Sara go silent and smile when her best friend interrupts her and changes the focus back to herself more often than not?
Take the quiz!
Believe it or not, all of these dynamics have meaning.
When you understand the meaning behind them, you may be amazed to discover where and why they originated.
AND:
With this understanding you can also learn to reprogram the dynamic so you can get unstuck from your experiences of anger, resentment, passive-aggression, resignation and hopelessness. All of which, by the way, are at the roots of most depression and anxiety…
I would like to offer you a brilliant tool from Terry Real to help you make some sense of your relational patterns.
He developed The Relationship Grid to illustrate the ways we experience Grandiosity or Shame and how this intersects with how we hold Boundaries for ourselves. This intersection can indicate our level of Healthy Self Esteem, which is crucial for authentic connection and respectful living.
Blah, blah, blah…
Ha! Don’t worry about these details, just take the quiz to see where you land!
Once you do, you will get an email explaining your results and the impact of where you land on the grid. Chock full of information!
Some Self-Disclosure If You Are Interested:
On a bad day, when I feel vulnerable, disconnected, scared, overwhelmed, my Wise Adult leaves the building. Then my Protector gets angry and tries to control people and the world…as a way to feel safe in what feels like chaos…
The quiz put me in the Upper Right Quadrant, which is described as Boundaryless and One Up (Grandiose). This particular stance is all about attempting to find safety through Anger and Control…
And you know, using anger and control are Losing Strategies if I want to truly connect with the people that I love and care about, or just want to have more pleasant experiences in my world.
See where you land, on a bad day (of course, because I know that most of the time, your Wise Adult is driving your car!) and see if it makes some sense to you.
Take The Relationship Grid Quiz here. And let me know where you land!
Click to Ask Questions About Your Results.
Much love, Carol
