Choose Love. Offer Grace.

During conflict, there are choices to be made. Can you recognize those moments of awareness when you know you have choice?

The more we practice being present in our bodies:

• Knowing how it feels when our Wounded Child part is afraid.

• When our Protector part is scrambling to avoid perceived danger.

• Or in those elevated instances, when our Wise Adult part is overseeing the whole process and attempting to get into the drivers seat.

…the easier it becomes to actually choose to step into repair, recovery, and reconnection.

Pay close attention in those heated moments.

When you slow down enough, you know that behind her* seemingly tough exterior, is a tender and kind-hearted woman who just wants to feel loved by you.

You remember that it is her Protector part that learned to use judgement to avoid feeling vulnerable.

So you get to choose which part of you to put in your own driver’s seat.

Do you want to get into the muck with her Protector part and continue the suffering? Sure, doing so might pump up your adrenaline, and continue your illusion of “being right,” but it will only cause more suffering.

Or you can recognize that right here, right now, you have the power to change the energy of this interaction.

The moment you realize, “Oh, her edgy-ness right now, is really an indication that she is feeling small, alone, and disconnected, and I want to help her feel loved” is the moment you can choose Love and offer her Grace.

This is the moment to shift into your Adult awareness, into your heart, and invite her to join you there.

All she wants is to feel connected.

Oh yeah, that’s what you want, too!

Stop.

Take a breath.

Shift your energy.

Remember what you want.

Repair. Reconnection. Harmony.

Ask yourself, “What can I offer her right now to remind her that she is not alone, and that I love her?”

You might gently touch her hand.

You might look her in the eye and say, “I love you; I am sorry I upset you.”

You might offer a warm hug.

You might just simply become aware of moving your energy from your Protector part into your Wise Adult part. Always bringing your attention to your heart.

The more you both practice this, the easier it becomes for each of you to feel the shift, even without a word spoken.

Ok, wonderful, you have done your part, and invited her in…Nicely done.

Now, let’s turn to the other “you” in this equation.

If you are the one who finds that your Protector part gets critical and edgy with your partner, when what you really want is is to feel a tender and soft place to land, you have a choice too.

Even if you don’t realize it right away. If he* has slowed himself down and offered you an invitation to join him in repair and reconnection, can you notice it?

Can you also breath and shift your energy into your heart so you can receive what he is offering?

Isn’t that what you want?

Of course, your Protector may divert your attention, keeping you in a place of resistance, attempting to avoid the vulnerability that comes with surrendering to love. Giving you a ton of reasons to look for all the ways he has disappointed you in the past.

Yet, if you pay closer attention, and you can get your Adult part into the driver’s seat, you can remember that you don’t need his perfection, you simply want to feel connected.

And in this moment, that is exactly what he is offering you. Connection.

He may not know how to express his heart exactly how you wish it to receive it, but when you learn how to understand each other’s languages, and embrace the moments of connection, they can sustain you when the disconnection comes. And it will, of course.

Remember, all relationships are a series of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair.

Can you choose Love and offer Grace to both yourself and him?

Can you receive what he is offering?

We are not looking for perfection. We are seeking connection.

If we start with a strong foundation of Self-Love (keep practicing!), it becomes easier to turn with Love toward our partners and find our way back to connection.

Can you choose Love and offer Grace? To yourself? To your partner? To the flow of your relationship?

Now, let’s take this message further. It doesn’t apply only to romantic relationships.

Can you offer Grace to your neighbors? Your kids? Family members?

Actually, can you offer Grace to everyone who rubs you the wrong way?

Remember, every single one of us, even those who activate so much angst in us, is doing the best they can with what they believe and understand right now.

True, some of us are on a very intentional path to understand ourselves better, so we can be the best versions of ourselves as often as we can…

Some of us are just waking up and discovering parts of ourselves we had no idea existed…

And even those who seem to be clueless, as imperfect human beings, deserve Grace as they travel on their own evolutionary journey.

Imagine the world we would live in if the majority of us remembered to choose Love and offer Grace to everyone?

Much love,

Carol

*Although I used “he/she” pronouns for simplicity, the message is the same regardless of one’s gender or sexual orientation.