Communicate Through Conflict.

Many of you already understand the difference between Changer and Acceptor Types.

If so, you may also understand that Changers, when their Protector parts are activated, can be pushy, direct, micro-managing, intense, loud, etc.

Of course, you also know that if their Protector parts are activated it is because underneath it all is a Wounded Child part that is feeling alone, invisible, unimportant, misunderstood, and ultimately, unsafe.

You may also understand as well that Acceptors, when their Protector parts are activated, can be defensive, passive aggressive, withdrawn, evasive, silent, etc.

And you know that if their Protector parts are activated it is because underneath it all is a Wounded Child part that is feeling exposed, vulnerable, attacked, responsible, and ultimately, unsafe.

A Changer seeks all the information in order to improve all they can in life.

An Acceptor receives what life offers and adapts to that.

There a benefits to both of these ways of navigating life. However, when these qualities get supercharged by our Protectors, and we are not aware of what is happening, it could be a recipe for disaster.

Below I have included a link for a 30 minute video of an episode of Real Talk with Terry and Belinda, where Terry and Belinda Real (both RLT therapists) talk to a real life couple.

In this video:

She is a Changer type. When she feels all alone and that she is not being heard, she gets louder. When feeling threatened, her “survival” mechanism is to Fight. Her Protector controls, she forces, she manages. And while she can be very intense, she is also highly attuned to the energy around her, so she knows when “something is off.”

Growing up, this is what she learned in order to manage her unsafe circumstances with preoccupied parents who only paid attention to her pain when it was loud and intense. So, this was the only way to be heard.

Keep all this in mind when you read the description of her partner’s behavior below and see if you can imagine how her Wounded Child feels, and how her Protector might react.

Terry and Belinda teach her how to create boundaries by asking for a “time out” when her Wise Adult self knows she needs time to regulate her nervous system so she can have a mature conversation with him about what she is experiencing, rather than having her Protector be immersed in what she feeling and acting it out all over him.

Her Wise Adult calmly says, “I am feeling really scared, vulnerable, uncertain (fill in the blank), and I know I can’t control my Protector right now, so I need to take a break. I will be back in 5 minutes…” And then she returns, even if only to say, “I need a little more time,” until she can come back and objectively describe her experience.

He is an Acceptor type. When he anticipates being exposed and vulnerable to attack, he lies, he people-pleases, he minimizes, he strays, he avoids conflict at all costs. He tries to fix his situation by morphing into what he thinks others want, and then feels resentful, indignant, and then full of shame.

Growing up, he learned to manage his unsafe circumstances with an alcoholic father who raged, and a sad, withdrawn mother who could not keep him safe.

Terry and Belinda teach him how to create boundaries by telling the truth and letting the “bad things” happen, knowing now as a Wise Adult, that another’s discomfort won’t kill him or them. They teach him how to breathe and ask her for less intensity when he is getting overwhelmed by the volume of her Protector.

His Wise Adult calmly says, “I really want to hear you and I am willing to tell the truth; can you tone it down a bit so I don’t get overwhelmed?”

I encourage you to set aside 30 minutes with your partner, or on your own, and watch the video below. Look for yourself in this couple, even if their circumstances aren’t exactly yours. There is value in this discovery.

Much love, Carol

Watch Real Talk with Terry and Belinda: Tell the Truth.

Terry and Belinda use the term Adaptive Child. This is the same concept as the Protector part; this term was coined by Dick Schwartz in his Internal Family Systems work, but they can be interchangeable here.